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No. 66714
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>>66710
You state that the opening is a report. However it does not read at all like an official report which pulls you completely out of the story. Also it just goes on and on, with the long winded sentences, which gets old and boring very quickly. Vary the sentence length, it brings a lot to the table.
Also since it is supposed to sound like a report to someone, most likely higher-ups given the what most people think of when they hear the word report, it pulls you out when it comes off really personal at times.
Also it is really long and not really interesting, which is a huge turn off for some people, as openings of stories should hook you and make you want to read more. This, doesn't do that.
It goes on and on. "yada yada, get into the actually story" It is like one of those prologues that never seems to end, and you just want to get into the actual story and out of the endless set-up.
It reads like a first draft, it needs some editing to tighten it up.
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