>>53129
I'll be the first to admit Of Love and You is pretty much shit.

Why do I always feel so tired when I've only been up for a few hours.

>>53127

Hii

>Rosa comment
At first I was all "omg", but then I was all "wait, he's right".

You'll probably be happy to hear NVList Short has very, very few lines of narration. I'm rather happy with it, so I'll share a piece of it as a show of confidence.

“Oh, of course. Here you go.”
She hastily checks the phone a little, then smiles when everything looks to work.
Huh, she’s actually cute when she smiles.
“Thanks, Rody. I’m not… I was worried it was broken. Thank heavens it isn’t. I only just got it.”
“I didn’t take you for the type.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you take to yourself a lot. A phone’s pretty reliant on talking with others…”
Er, crap, what am I saying?
“It’s not like I don’t have anyone to talk to.
“There’s my mum, my uncle, and I have a few friends from the book club.”
“You’re in a book club? That doesn’t surprise me.”
“Ah, well… I, I guess not.”
“Anyway, er, I should get going.”
“Huh? … Oh! Your soccer practice.”
“Yeah. The coach’s gonna make me run laps now. Twenty, I bet.”
“All because of me, isn’t it? I’m sorry, it’s my fault, if I hadn’t…”
“It’s not your fault. I decided on my own to help you look for it. Don’t sweat it.
“Besides, it’s good for my health, I think… running is healthy, right?”
“Uh, I think so…?”
“Anyway, I need to go. Uh, talk to you later!”
“Y, yeah. Talk to you later.”
Aaah, I’m totally late. The coach’s gonna be livid. Maybe I should just skip?

>>53133
... I should cut the line starting with, "Er, crap", because it's just cutting up dialogue needlessly. I should just add an "er" to the end of the line preceding it.

>>53134

you should also reduce the huh frequency ne

I found some Irish Whiskey. Wheeeeeeeeee i'm gonna sleeep i feel dizzy ohgod

>>53137
Good night, silly.

>>53133
>>53134
I would keep that line it, except cut out the 'er' It sounds unnatural. I don't know many people who say 'er' in their mind. 'Crap, what am I saying.' doesn't bog it down, rather it gives the reader more of a connection to the character and the story.

Also ask yourself and others, how many of them say 'huh' or speak some of the lines the characters speak. Ask yourself is this something I could over-hear some random person say. Some of the dialogue doesn't sound all that natural to me.

Also, frankly the scene reminds me of when I used to take acting classes and we would be talking about improv. Of when the acting teacher would yell out "Stop! You only have 5 exchanges. You shouldn't go;
Hi Billy.
Hi Jean.
How are the kids?
They are good.
It looks like it is going to rain.
That is 5 exchanges and you just lulled us to sleep. You don't just go 'blah' 'bla-bla-blah' Get some action, excitement, intrigue us in just those 5 lines."

Now this isn't acting, and we don't just throw in drama for excitement's sake. But my point is, that this exchange sounds pretty much like the above example. It just sounds like 'hi, how are you? good you? I'm fine. etc.' It frankly just isn't very interesting to read.

Tighten the piece up, the dialogue needs to draw in and interest the reader, and a conversation needs to just be as long as needed to get the emotional and story points needed. Don't drag on a conversation, it just starts to sound dull after a while. Also, unneeded words can really slow a conversation down.

>>53133
I'd say the biggest problem is probably, as Rosa said, is how unnatural the conversation does feel.
Try to act your conversation, either out loud or in your head, it's easier to see what's wrong in it. Make your dialogue the more natural sounding possible ( except if it's due to the way the characters are or some events, obviously ), it's really the most important thing to do. Always reread yourself and improve your wordings.
I'd also recommend thinking what emotions the character feels and the intonation they take, and try putting it in the phrase.
I say this because some of your sentences just feel flat, as a reader, I'm able to deduce their emotions only by the context and with some guessing.
A good example would be this phrase :
> “You're in a book club? That doesn't surprise me.”
There is absolutely no intonation in the way this sentence is formed. Of course, there's not always a need of intonation, but I'd recommend really thinking about it. Since this is a VN you're writing, there's always the use of sprites and the like to help conveys emotions, but it's usually not enough.
Intonations can also help you reduce all these onomatopoeias "huh" "urg" and the like.
Also, if you can change the way the text is displayed in a sentence, do it, suspension marks at a lower speed can easily be used in place of "huh".

>>53139
I don't think the length of the conversation is really an issue. Dragging out too much can be an issue, but a little padding doesn't hurt. I'd say padding is like salt : too much and it's vomit-inducing, not at all and you feel like something's missing.

Ah yeah, try to not repeat yourself, be it in the words, the conversation or anything at all. Seriously. It's your worst enemy as a writer.

Finally, in the same way that mustn't repeat in a story, try to make a point to your situations, conversations, etc. What I mean is that you must make the story go forward. It can be slow, even really slow, but it is important.
And by " making the story go forward ", I don't mean that it has to make the main plot itself advance. It can simply be characters having fun, expanding side-characters, some backstory, some simply for the fun wacky scene. Just something new that "expand" the setting is good.
Well, of course don't side-track too much either. It can be as bad as repeating yourself.

That's all my arrogant self has to say for now. I probably don't know what the hell I'm talking about in the end, but heh.

hi

>>53139
Billy and Jean, huh?

>>53142
>>53141
Hi

>>53143
Have you played the voice patch yet?

>>53144
Yeah, got it working with your instructions. Couldn't make it work without the backgrounds, the .txt kinda confusing.

>Hey, you can't read it rite
>Yes you, non japanese scum
>Ok, his name's Rudolf

>>53145
The .txt must be from an old version or something, since it doesn't realize there's an arc4. If you read the start of episode 2, Shannon and George's date, it looks like George doesn't really exercise. However, it seems that he's not fat either, just that he has to be careful or he will be.

I think you'll find Maria can be really annoying now that you can hear all her uu-uu. The voiced UUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and ARGHAAKKKKAAHAHRIEGEOH or whatever they say when they're screaming this time can get annoying as well. Also, some characters are really quiet, hard to hear properly even at 50% BGM volume. I've found Genji to be this way, and unfortunately it seems like Beatrice can be too, and Bernkastel.

When she's not putting on airs of elegance I'm sure she gets louder, but I was looking forward to her parts. It's a shame.

>>53140
I think you misunderstood a little. When I was talking about length, I was talking about weedy words.

“Huh? …Oh! Your soccer practice.”
“Yeah. The coach’s gonna make me run laps now. Twenty, I bet.”

In my opinion the above words are unneeded and the flow is better with them removed. There are other places where I feel if words, or even whole statements are removed the flow would go better.

It is important to remember that just because it is dialogue does not mean it is under a magic spell that makes it interesting. It must be carefully crafted in a way to be interesting.

>>53142
My acting teacher was more talking about, telling the audience, Who, Where, and Why, in 5 exchanges, and but also be interesting and full of action, (Since blah blah talking is boring in acting) Which is harder than it sounds, to tell who you both are in the scene, and your relationship, where you both are, and why you are there and what you are doing, and make it full of action and interest.

>>53146
Really? Maybe he took the classes but didn't like them.
About the voices, I think listening with headphones can help with that.

>>53148
Well, I don't even have speakers. I'm always using headphones.

A pair I only have thanks to the audiophile Luci.

>>53149
I see, are they some kind of expensive headphones? I like mine, but I guess Luci would say they are shit or something.

>>53151

>>53150
Indeed they are. Though I wonder how much I get out of them without a sound card that isn't inbuilt.

Well, they're fine. I don't really regret the purchase. Unlike this overpriced keyboard, also Luci's doing.

>>53153
I see, mine costed me $90, and I consider that pretty expensive already. My keyboard is cheap though, I got a keyboard + mouse wireless set for $25.

>>53154
My mouse is pretty expensive, too. All those buttons I rarely ever use. Well, I once used them pretty often, but since my last format and reinstall, which was quite some time ago now, I haven't got around to reinstalling the drivers, so it's gone to waste. Jeez, I can sometimes be really frivolous with my spending.

As for me, because I'm feeling lazy right now, I'll go back to reading. After all, there's auto mode.

>>53155
Fancy mouse? Did you use it to play MMORPGS or something?

>>53156
Certainly, I spent a fair amount of my youth on MMOs.

Now, I think that's well and truly behind me. It's are too social a genre.

So when Shannon first meets with Beatrice in episode 2, Beatrice repeats words only Shannon and Eva can possibly know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1WS-MFL7PU

>>53160

>>53158
>that filename

>>53163
hi

>Get warned for personal attack on Lemma Soft
I'm not even remorseful, bitch had it coming.

>>53165

I am Home.

So my brother had a stash of Irish Whiskey I discovered, and I think I like it too much.

>>53168

wb ne

>>53169

What kind of responsible adult are you supposed to be again

>>53170
Super responsible, I just... have a drinking problem.

It's not that I'm fainting left and right or am poisoning myself so it's all right, it's all right! As they say, booze stimulates the brain!

>>53168
lkkiiiiiiiiiiiiiionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

>>53171
>>53172

Are you even big enough to metabolize that.

>>53174
omg pimp

>>53174
Deal with it.

I like my alcohol like I like my women.
Sweet, not bitter.

>>53177
dats ssso gy

>>53178
Meanie.

>>53180

>>53179
u kno im just jk
xoxo gossip girl